she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
