Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
