We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
