We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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