ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
