You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
