yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
