I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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