It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
