I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
