I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
