Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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