Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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