and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
