If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I need moral support for this bender
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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