I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
