Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
