They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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