just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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