I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
