I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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