I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I still have a little drunk in my system
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
