I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
