I am in a vortex of obligation.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
