Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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