I think I died a long time ago.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
