I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize