I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
