I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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