i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
