I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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