I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
