oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
