Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
