I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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