My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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