Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
