mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
