Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
