Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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