she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
