Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
