I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
