weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you told grandpa to call you daddy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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