I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
