My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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