you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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