he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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