I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
