Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
