My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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