gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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