he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
