He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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