Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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