Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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