Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
