i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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